Sunday, August 28, 2011

Thoughts in a Thunderstorm.

It was a dark and stormy night... Okay, a bit of a joke for you writers out there, but it's true enough. Each flash of lightning and rumble of thunder only seems to propel me further with this mood of pensive wonderment. Pensive: thoughtful reflection. Sounds about right.

My Neurologist told me on Friday that something unusual showed up on my MRI and that they are going to want me to get another scan, but "with contrast." Of course, he reassured me that it should be nothing to worry about. The fact that he said it several times, but didn't seem interested in elaborating, was the most unnerving part. So, I guess we have a follow-up appointment early this week to get around to talking about what ever it is that he was trying to say. All I know is that something showed up towards the back of my noggin that made the folks in Radiology want to take a better look.

In a way, if nothing serious is going on, then it makes me feel a little like a side-show circus. I mean, I basically get to foot the bill (insurance co-pay anyway) to sate someone's curiosity? Maybe that was just his awkward way of trying to reassure me that they haven't found anything conclusive, but that they did find something that they hadn't expected that will require more in-depth imaging to determine whether it may or may not be an issue. I guess that's just the kind of guy I am, give it to me straight and let me deal with the emotional side of it in my own way.

I'll admit: it wasn't exactly what I expected. I imagined he'd just say that everything in the scan was fine and that a link between any sort of brain trauma or tumor and my migraines was inconclusive. Seemed to be the most likely outcome. And how do I expect this new development to pan out? I suppose I will end up doing the MRI with contrast dye and they will come back with some gee-wiz information that one of my brain sections is developed a little differently, or underdeveloped in some way, but that it's actually quite common and nothing to be overly concerned about.

As far as the nerve testing in my arms, it turns out I've got a bit of damage going on in my left hand, which seemed to surprise the Dr. quite a bit. He said the entire test was going fine until that point. Luckily, though, the test wasn't as bad as I expected. Minor shocks here and there, but nothing like what I had read online about it. I was under the impression I'd be jabbed with needles and then shocked. It turned out to be much tamer.

As far as writing goes, I've had some time, but I've made very little progress since my last post. I don't want to use it as a crutch, but the new medication they've got me on seems to be messing with my desire to do anything creative, or anything at all for that matter. I'm perfectly content to sit and listen to silence. I also have no desire to sleep. Each night it takes a conscious decision to lay down and coax slumber into my head. Even then, as if the time stamp on this post isn't enough proof, it's very late before I can succumb.

At any rate, the Doc says it can take a while to get used to a new medication and there are a few things your body needs to work out. I personally don't feel that way, I'd just as soon not take the damn stuff at all, if you catch my drift. But I'm trying to be good and help to find a solution to these problems, even if I'm quite sure the end answer will be that it can't be explained or just a long string of "let's try this medication instead," or "how about we up your dosage?"

I've also noticed that while in my brain I have typed out full words, reality sometimes disagrees with me. I've already caught about 12-15 of these mistakes in this post so far. That's a little weird when you start to think about it. I'm very sure I typed it out just fine, yet there it is. After long enough, things like that make you start to wonder if other things have been interpreted wrong as well. For some reason it also makes me think about my last short story I was working on. It's through preliminary draft stages and ready for final editing. Sheesh, has it been that way for around six months now?  It would probably be nice to get some closure there... I'll have to try harder to sit down and re-read it after all this time. Maybe it will give me a new perspective and help even out some of the rough spots.

These have just been some of my ramblings during a storm, which seems to have been quite short-lived. I hope I didn't get anyone feeling down. I'm really not writing any of this for any special attention. I just thought it would be nice to express what's been on my mind lately. Take it for what you will.

Until next time, I hope I can leave you with some sort of inspiration with the picture below (click on it if you'd like to see a larger version):

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